Originally published in 2010.
Wouldn't this shot make for an ideal hip-hop album cover? I can just hear the beat from EPMD's "It's My Thing" accompanying it.
Among lovers of sci-fi and its myriad permutations, sooner or later the
discussion is going to roll around to the robots we have known and
loved, so now it's this blog's turn to engage in that inevitable forum
of discourse. Having been an active fan for as long as I can remember,
I've seen innumerable movies and TV shows that brought us automatons who
ranged from the humorous to the downright diabolical and after over
four decades of weighing their merits against each other, I've come up
with a short list of my favorite manufactured folks. For the sake of
this piece I'm sticking strictly to robots as opposed to the other
common form of artificial intelligence, namely the android, a creature
usually defined by it being virtually indistinguishable from the average
human being save for the fact that it's manufactured and may possess
abilities that humans don't. Hence no Data, Gigolo Joe, Cherry 2000,
Ash, Bishop, Galaxina or Roy Batty on this here list. Anyway, here's
what I came up with.
ASTRO BOY
Known as "Tetsuwan Atomu" —translation: "Mighty Atom" — or "Atomu" for
short in his native Japan, us Westerners were introduced to him as Astro
Boy when his black & white cartoons were syndicated here in the
1960's and he's been held in very high and warm esteem by many ever
since. I absolutely loathe "cute" characters in general and "cute" robot
characters in particular, but Astro Boy defies the stereotypes
established by such nausea-inducers as Twiki, V.I.N.C.E.N.T. and the
unspeakable 7-Zark-7 by having a sweet and well-rounded personality
meant to serve as a bridge between humans and the ever-growing robot
populace in his future era of the 21st Century. Astro Boy's considerable
adorable appeal also provides a great counterpoint to the fact that
he's one of the most badassed superheroes out there, kind of a thinking,
flying, heavily-equipped arsenal. When in combat mode, there are few
characters who can match Astro Boy for sheer bravery, moxie and
indefatigable tenacity in the face overwhelming odds. Often losing limbs
in battle, Astro Boy will fight on and on, even unto being reduced to
naught but a hope-filled and defiant head on a torso, and that's
something I cannot help but admire and be inspired by. Plus he's got
telescoping rifles that extrude from his ass-cheeks, making him a very
literal badass. Seriously! (That aspect of his arsenal was trimmed from
the American version.) No lie, in my estimation of what it means to be a
first-rate superhero, Astro Boy ranks among the all-time greats.
GIANT ROBOT
Aka
"Giant Robo" in its country of origin, this manga-derived and later
impressively animated hunk of hardware is my human-controlled
war-machine of choice, beating out the more familiar Gigantor thanks to
it being a guy in a rubber suit instead of being a cartoon, as well as
for its loony design trumping Gigantor's armored knight look. Who but a
Japanese madman like cartoonist Mitsuteru Yokoyama could have come up
with a 10-storey humanoid robot that shot seemingly endless rounds of
missiles from its fingers while looking like a crazed Egyptian pharaoh?
Giant Robot in action.
Syndicated in the States as JOHNNY SOKKO AND HIS FLYING ROBOT beginning
in 1969, I never saw the show, but I did see the movie edited together
from some of its episodes, the insane and out-of-control VOYAGE INTO
SPACE, which played for years on the Tri-State area's 4:30 MOVIE as a
"Monster Week" staple, and it's a flick I cannot possibly recommend
enough. A perfect way to amuse kids and drunks/stoners, the movie is
overflowing with goofy aliens, giant monsters and all kinds of mayhem,
all of it looking to get its collective ass kicked by a square-footed
giant that looks like a sci-fi hieroglyph rendered by an acid-head.
ROBBY
One
of the many indelible elements that made FORBIDDEN PLANET (1956) a
classic, Robby is perhaps the acme of the sci-fi automaton. Designed as
an all-purpose thinking machine, Robby is a walking computer who acts as
a protector to his creator, Doctor Morbius, and the doctor's hot blonde
19-year-old daughter, as well as being a mechanical manservant. He also
has the capability to synthesize items that he's sampled, a talent put
to use by the visiting Earth cruiser's alcoholic cook who has him whip
up sixty gallons of primo whisky. Prior to the release of STAR WARS
(1977), Robby was by far the most iconic robot in all of
science-fiction, and if you ask me he might still be considered as such.
R2-D2
Paired with the incredibly annoying robo-queen that is C-3P0 (god
damn,
did his schtick grow old fast!), it's easy to see this little astromech
droid as nothing more than a kooky comic foil to its gilded, prissy
counterpart, but R2 merits a re-examination in its own individual right.
Essentially a rolling toolbox, R2's strengths lie in its interesting
design — "What if a fire hydrant suddenly sprouted in a hospital's
germ-free ward?" — and plucky attitude that includes a willingness to
mix it up with the bad guys right in the thick of things. It's tough,
brave, and has the decency to speak in binary chirps and whistles, thus
sparing us what would have been an inevitably irritating cutesy voice.
Think I'm wrong about that bit of inevitability? Take a look at the
entire STAR WARS saga and ask yourself when George Lucas ever overlooked
even the slightest opportunity to fill the screen with vomitously cute
and merchandisable characters, with the notable exceptions of R2,
Chewbacca and Yoda?
BENDER RODRIGUEZ
A
complete and total disgrace to all that is good in robots (and
Mexicans) everywhere, FUTURAMA's Bender is a triumph of
anthropomorphized bad taste and overall offensiveness, so how could I
not adore him? Rude, crass and literally fueled by alcohol, Bender
steals virtually every story he's in and considering some of his
co-stars, that's no mean feat. Extra points for his stint as
cross-dressing professional wrassler "the Gender Bender" and for using
time travel to steal hundreds of priceless items from throughout human
history, including Eddie Van Halen's guitar and Christ's cross.
TOM SERVO
When
it comes to MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000's 'bots, some people have a
tough time choosing between Crow or Servo, but not me. Equipped with
vestigial arms, a transparent sphere for a head and a hover-skirt to
facilitate locomotion, Servo won my favor from the moment he opened the
gumball machine spigot that passes for his mouth, and he cracks me up
like few other comedic creations. A sensitive intellectual of highly
suspect sexual orientation, Servo's referential lexicon is vast, as is
his capacity for comfortable cross-dressing, the playing of genuinely
disturbing games (the creepy "Dog & Bear" immediately comes to
mind), attraction to senior citizens ("Estelle!") and unabashed defense
of "tearing down all the barriers" and allowing strange, androgynous
man/women to hang out in the bedrooms of underage adolescent males. (His
stirring defense of Mr. B Natural, anyone?) Blessed with a deep
baritone voice and hilariously performed by Kevin Murphy (after
originator Josh Weinstein left the show), Tom Servo would be my all-time
favorite robot if not for the existence of the original "bubble-headed
booby," namely...
B-9,
aka "ROBOT"
As
'benign" as his designation would suggest (unless re-programmed to
murderous intent by that shitheel Dr. Smith), the Class M-3 General
Utility Non-Theorizing Environmental Control Robot was the small
screen's answer to FORBIDDEN PLANET's Robby and the similarities between
the two were several (including being designed by Robert Kinoshita).
But while Robby was a glorified (though nonetheless charming) tool, B-9
was ever so much more. Initially intended as a probe that would survey a
colony world before his human crew-mates set foot outside their
spaceship, B-9 had no personality to speak of and was re-programmed by
the aforementioned Zachary Smith to murder the Robinson Family while
they slumbered in their suspension tubes on the way to Alpha Centauri.
B-9 in the evil thrall of Dr. Smith.
That scheme failed and for the early part of LOST IN SPACE's first year,
B-9 remained under Smith's nefarious command. That state of affairs was
thankfully thwarted when nine-year-old electronics prodigy Will
Robinson set about on a second re-programming that not only rendered the
machine once more on its intended crew's side, but also unexpectedly
unleashed the most unique of all fictional robotic personalities. From
that moment on, B-9 was "Robot," an actual part of the Robinson family,
and while always addressed as "robot," it was less an acknowledgement of
his manufactured status than it was for all intents and purposes his
name; he had been addressed as "robot" from Day One, but his newfound
personality soon imbued him with the worthiness of being recognized as
an individual. Though composed of metal, wires and sophisticated
circuitry, the Robot was easily the most distinctive and fun character
on LOST IN SPACE, second only to Dr. Smith and rounding out a trio
consisting of the fey doctor and young Will, a dynamic that came to
dominate the show at the expense of the other characters. The Robot was
the most perfect foil imaginable for Dr, Smith, and their insulting
exchanges became the stuff of legend, as did the Robot's arms-a-flailin'
cry of DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!!!"
Behind the scenes: the Robot gets busted by security on the 20th Century Fox lot.
But more than anything else, it was the Robot's sense of humor and
outlook on life that endeared him to me and damned near everyone who
watched LOST IN SPACE during our youth. (His ability to play the
acoustic guitar was also a plus.) The Robot's deeply mocking and
borderline-asthmatic guffaw was infectious and his observations on
humanity were often priceless, but undoubtedly the crowning gem of his
comments had to be from the second season episode "The Colonists,"
wherein black-clad and bitchy space-Amazon the Mighty Neolani spouts
ludicrous pre-Women's Lib "feminist platitudes," foments an insurrection
among the Robinson females and subjugates the Robinson males,
relegating them to slave labor. Always looking out for Number One, Dr.
Smith affects the personality of a sensitive artist and successfully
woos the estrogenic oppressor, thus avoiding work. When questioning
Neolani's relationship with Dr. Smith, Will openly states his confusion,
which leads to this incredible exchange with the Robot:
The Robot (attempting to make things clear to Will): The female of the species always has a soft spots for artists.
Will (very skeptical): How do you know so much about "the female of the species?"
(The camera zooms in for a closeup of the Robot's featureless bubble)
The Robot: I have been around, Will Robinson. I have been around.
When I saw that bit again as an adult, I nearly laughed myself to death.
Did his second re-programming give the Robot memories in which he was
once a playa? (I don't know about what you think, but the image of the
Robot humping his way from space station to space station is rather
disturbing and it leads me to wonder about the uses to which the
Robinson women put him on lonely nights when the men-folk were off
setting up weather stations on some god-forsaken world's inhospitable
polar ice caps... That said, I bet he'd be a considerate and giving
lover.) The only moment that even comes close for sheer insanity
involving the Robot is the sequence in "Castles in Space" in which Chavo
the space-Mexican — no, I am not bullshitting you — gets him
shitfaced-wasted on tequila. (This was third season episode and by that
time the writers had pretty much adopted a "fuck logic" attitude, with
many scripts crafted by the hilariously-named Peter Packer.) Returning
to the Robinson's camp with his arms characteristically a-flailin' and
bellowing a hideously out-of-tune rendition of "Cielito Lindo," the
Robot giggles like a madman before falling over unconscious, eventually
waking up and sitting with an icepack perched atop his bubble as he vows
never to drink again. Think about how miserable he must have been. The
poor bastard couldn't even puke! But whatever the case, I love the Robot
with a respect equaled only by that which I hold for Spock. Now
there's
a MY DINNER WITH ANDRE scenario I would have loved to see acted out:
Spock and the Robot, hanging out and jamming, kicking back some brews
and grousing about chicks.
That's entertainment!
As
anyone who has ever worked in a restaurant situation can tell you,
sometimes you have to deal with asshole customers. Most restaurant
staffers have the fortitude to simply suck it up and endure all manner
of abuse in hope of a decent tip — which asshole patrons seldom leave —
but during the times when I have had to interact with the obnoxious I
weigh the situation, and since I am of the kitchen and do not receive
tips I have to choose my battles. I can usually walk away without
chewing some douchebag a new one, but sometimes the temptation is simply
too much to resist (the now infamous "hot sauce cokehead" incident
immediately springs to mind).
